PARENTING STRESS?
When you’re confronted with an extreme behavioural challenge, there are you two things you must do:
First, you must manage your child's behaviour in the moment.
Second you must take care of your own stress.
Trying to manage anyone's behaviour is difficult. Managing the behaviour of someone with AD/HD can feel impossible at times.
With training and support, most parents are capable of responding to an immediate threat to stability, harmony, and safety for the child and themselves. However, if you become immobilized or physically abusive in reaction to the child's behaviour, thousands of hours of parent education won't make any difference
You need to practice these four things to get control of your stress in these situations:
Remember to breathe. Your child's psychological attack may come when you are most vulnerable. Things happen very fast. It is difficult not to react with intense anger. Deep, calming breathing interrupts this stress reaction and gives you time to think about the best way to deal with the situation. Post little dots around the house as reminders to breathe when the going gets tough.
Listen to your self-talk. Sometimes in tough situations you may say things to yourself like, "That little s.o.b. has gone too far, now he's going to get it." Sometimes the experience might make you feel like you’re 6 years old or may remind you of times in your life when you were bullied or violated. However, it gives you an opportunity to step back and think for a moment.
Are you having a bad day? A bad day at work may drive you toward action that you will regret. Sometimes we have issues from childhood and the child knows exactly what buttons to push that will set us off.
You need to become aware of how you are feeling at the moment. Then deliberately change it by saying something like, "This isn't going to get me down. I'm in charge, he's not. Breathe. Ahh. I feel better!"
Remember: Your child is only partially in control of themselves. It is up to you to help your child develop some self-control by implementing a consequence that he/she can understand. If you hit him, shake him, or scream at him, you are teaching him to be violent. The older and bigger he gets, the more this violence will come back to you.
If you cannot control yourself, call for back-up and give yourself a time out. Separate yourself from him. If possible, call a friend. Involve your spouse. It's O.K. to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry. Deal with it later.
If you do lose your temper and control of your own behaviour, talk with your child as soon as you can when things calm down. Apologize if you need to. Tell him what he did to set you off. Share what it's like living with him. Get over the incident and resolve to do things differently in the future.
REMEMBER THIS WORD
H.A.L.T.
Taken from twelve-step programs, H.A.L.T. identifies common triggers that can sabotage your attempts at taking control of your life.
"H" stands for hungry.
When you are hungry, your energy will be low and you are more likely to have poor judgment or do things without thinking. Be sure you plan regular times for meals and/or snacking into your schedule.
"A" stands for angry.
When you are angry, you are likely to do things for the wrong reasons, taking your anger out on others or yourself. Such displacement will get you off track, sabotaging your efforts to take control of your life. Plan in time to resolve angry feelings. Do not let them build up. If you are angry a lot of the time, don’t hesitate to see a counselor to help with this.
"L" stands for lonely.
Feeling lonely is a distraction that takes your attention away from planning a schedule for yourself. Seeking companionship or a sense of belonging is an emotional need that we all have. Be sure to schedule time for meeting those needs.
"T" stands for tired.
When tiredness hits, our judgment goes out the window quickly. Part of making a schedule that works includes allowing sufficient time to rest and recuperate. If you are a night owl, plan some rest time during the day.