Practical Tips for Managing Emotion, Learning
& Behaviour
in the ADD/ADHD Child
1. Know your child's brain.
Ask yourself: What are the strengths of my child's brain? What are its vulnerabilities? Under what circumstances does it learn best? When does it learn poorly? It is a mistake to assume that everyone's brain is the same or functions best under the same conditions that work well for someone else.2. Be aware of the differences between you and your child. If you are naturally quiet and you have a hyperactive child, try not to blame the child for getting on your nerves. If you are naturally uninhibited and you halve an inhibited child, try not to force the child to change, which is like changing handedness; instead try to adjust to the difference of fit. Since you are the parent, it is appropriate for you to try to adjust to your child rather than forcing your child to adjust to you.
3. Know the rules of your house and make sure everyone else in the family knows them, too. Rules are actually very stabilizing, at least when they are fair and are enforced consistently. They cut down on unnecessary struggles. The truth is that all families have rules, whether they consciously know them or not. It is worth the effort to spell out what your rules are so that (a) you'll know what they are; (b) everyone else will know what they are; (c) they won't change every day; and (d) you can enforce them more easily. It is much easier to enforce a rule that has been stated in advance than to enforce one you have made up on the spot. Sit down over your family dinner and spell out your rules. Keep them simple and few. You don't have to have a rule to cover every detail, just the basics. Debate, negotiate, haggle, do whatever you have to do, but establish your rules. Then write them down; otherwise you and everyone else will forget them. They can always be changed.
4. Get rid of the words "smart" and "stupid." Tell your kids those are inaccurate terms. "Smart" and "stupid" don't really mean anything- and yet children use them all the time. There is no such thing as simply smart or simply stupid; we all have relative strengths and vulnerabilities.
5. Eliminate sarcasm. If you're angry, say you're angry. If you're disappointed, say you're disappointed . If you think what someone else said was foolish, say you disagree. But try never to make sarcastic remarks to children. Persistent use of sarcasm instills fear in children and curtails their willingness to be open.
6. Make sure your child knows that it is safe to fail. No one learns without failing first. The only way you can develop a new skill is by passing through a period of doing the task poorly, then gradually improving. If your child is afraid to fail because she fears ridicule or disapproval, she will learn much less than the child who is bold and brave enough to learn new skills.
8. Increase the amount of connectedness in your child's life. A feeling in the bones of being a part of something larger than oneself. The ''something larger" may be one's family, extended family, school, neighborhood, or church. Such connectedness sustains us. Connectedness is the key to mental health in children and adults alike.
There are specific, concrete steps you can take to develop and increase connectedness in your family's life. Have conversations with your children about this and that, instead of speaking to them just to give them a direction or correct their behaviour. Tell them stories and anecdotes from your own past. Develop and honor family traditions and rituals. Arrange gatherings and parties. Make sure your children get to know as many members of their extended family as possible, even if they live far away. Get to know your neighbors, too. Reach out, even if you are busy or shy or both. Develop connectedness to ideas and morality by talking to your children about the big issues-the meaning of life; what happens after death; the nature of right and wrong; - and give your child a sense of being involved with you with these questions, even if you do not have all the answers.